Pessimistic Jumper

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   I often feel like the guy in this picture.  Like my feet are never really touching ground; like I’m mountains above where I expected to be yet still so far from the clouds I wish to touch.  I can see the sunset in the distance reminding me how long it took to reach this point yet I can barely feel it’s warmth.  I look as though I’m enjoying my success and celebrating with a jubilated jump but I’m actually free-falling, filled with terror.

  I can never take what I earn and be happy.  I can only see what I missed, what is just out of reach, what I had to sacrifice and lose to gain so little.  I can’t see the bigger picture.  It’s like I get so far but it isn’t far or high enough fast enough so I self sabotage and jump back to the bottom where I can safely wallow in self-pity and blame whatever, whoever comes first to mind for my failings.

  I want to enjoy the sunset I see even when I can’t feel it.  I’d like to look down for once and realize that I’ve come so far instead of always looking up and seeing how far I have still to go.  I’d like to feel my feet dangling in the air below me as I make futile attempts to reach the clouds instead of becoming so frightened by that gap in time where it’s just me lunging for something forever out of reach that I no longer make attempts to try.

  I’d like to be that person that can break halfway up the mountain to look out across the horizon, welcome the setting around them and maybe do a celebratory jump at how far they’ve come despite the many challenges remaining ahead of them.

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