Vertical Turd

No need to Read this. It’s a Personal vent.


    I’m sorry but…I had to get super stoned to sit down and write this so it’s likely to be a very long ramble post.  I’m just so frustrated right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to.  I’m upset and angry and I just want to explode but there are things stopping me.  Like; I have to be an adult now.  I really have no choice no matter how pissed off or upset I am, I have to try to be the bigger person in every situation because…that’s what adults fucking do. Kasper is pissed off at me for letting things go as far as they did.  I couldn’t help myself and I am so very thankful Kasper stepped up and in when he did because my head felt like it was trying to split open from the growing bulge of frustration being produced by the ignorant mouth hollering at me from the other end of the table.

We should have left when I looked at the clock and then my husband.

   I don’t talk to my sister.  Our past is very muddled and dirty.  She lies, manipulates and schemes.  She’s volatile, obnoxious, loud, arrogant, ignorant and one of the most disrespectful people I have ever met in my life.  If she hadn’t always lived with my mom, I would have lost contact with her when I moved out at 19.  I love her kids; we were still in high school when she got pregnant the first time and she was pregnant with her second son when we both walked the stage together.  Her youngest is only 3 months older than my oldest son.  I love all four of her kids but they don’t like me and I don’t blame them.  It does help me not care too much if they aren’t in my life as long as I know they are as healthy and happy as Stilla will let them be (she’s a really awful person). I would love for them to be in my children’s lives which is why I answered the door and let Stilla in a few months ago but man I have to wonder if it’s worth it.

   I’m liberal with my sociopolitical views.  Whether or not that makes me  liberal I don’t give a shit.  I’m like Bernie Sanders; I have views and opinions and, oh look, that group on the left has pretty similar views. That’s about as far as I would like to be labeled politically.  Before my stroke I had no views.  I remember when Obama ran for president;  I was like “They’re just voting for him because he’s black.” I didn’t care.  I went to work every day, complained like everyone else that it’s unfair I made so little and couldn’t get out of the crummy position.  Then I went to school, had a stroke,blah, blah, blah  and was like…

you mean I have to rely on the government 100% now?  They want to cut what? What’s Obamacare? What does ‘fiscal cliff’ mean?

  I hate that having a stroke made me more politically aware.  One of the reasons I don’t blog too much about politics is because I have brain damage and I know how nasty RWNJ trolls can be.  I don’t think I could bear the

Of course you’re Liberal, you’re brain-damaged

thing.  It’s mean-spirited to use against anyone for any reason.  Brain damage has so much negative stigma.  It made me more aware.  I wonder sometimes if I was more brain-damaged before my stroke because I was that unaware.  Now I feel more conscious on levels I never knew existed.

   We went to my sister’s yesterday.  First of all, that trailer she lives in needs to be condemned.  I understand she’s fixing it up but it is so gross. You can see the grass through the trailer’s floor. The ceiling curves down, almost touching your head in some spots.  There’s mold and mildew everywhere; rusted nails stick out of the walls where cheap paneling was torn away.  And it smells like a wet dog living in a gerbil cage because they replaced their floor with some “high-quality” plywood. I think she was trying to glamorize her situation and I don’t blame her.  I went out of my way to force my reflexive judgment away.  I know this was left from the previous owners but…why would you move in before you’re done fixing it up to a more livable standard? This is just a hint of the inside, I’m not even going to detail the outside.

   We are chatting for some time. She’s telling me about this and that, I ask random questions.  I’m not very good at socializing in general and with my sister it’s actually more strained than with anyone else.  I told her from the moment she popped by after moving back to town that I had no intention of letting her into my life like nothing ever happened.  There will be boundaries and I told her that this is about protecting myself because I know how she is, I know how I am and I know how we are.  It’s not a good mix.  But for the kids…I am willing to crack open that door and see how it goes.  I don’t want her talking about my personal life or thinking about it so I don’t tell her anything.  If she asks I give vague answers.  This should be hard for me with the weak mouth/filter thing but I force myself to be aware of the environment she sets up around me. I’ve been screwed over and hurt by her too many times to let it happen again.  What’s ironic is, like politics, I would not be this cognizant if not for the brain injury.  I would still be going on, happy she’s back in town and letting her talk down to me, about me or my husband and kids.  I can’t afford that so-called blissful ignorance anymore.

   She brings up Islam first.  I know this is not a conversation to have with her.  We’ve already had this argument.  Look, okay, I get it; ISIS is scary but the fact that I’m not paranoid around every Muslim or hijab I see doesn’t mean I’m a fucking ISIS sympathizer.  That’s just a thoughtless, ridiculous statement. Discussing the threat of ISIS, in my opinion, is completely different from discussing Islam. You can have one without the other…maybe not ISIS without Islam, that’s just too much to consider now.  I do pretty good at diverting that conversation. Then she brings up abortion.  She  says there’s one God (she thinks she’s Agnostic ha!) and it’s wrong to have an abortion.  This, coming from the woman who said I was selfish for not having an abortion after my stroke because of how it was affecting everyone else.  This, coming from a woman who got into a Moon Jump 6 months pregnant for the sole purpose of trying to get the umbilical cord around her daughter’s neck.  The same 10 year-old daughter she now looks in the eyes and calls a

Dirty Mexican half-breed bitch

She even had the gall to say that rape was not reason enough to get an abortion.  I just looked at Kasper with shock, said it should be a personal choice and ended the conversation.  No one should be forced to have an abortion and no one should be forced into a dirty alley, motel room, whatever, to have one.

   I  tried to leave but then she said something and I got distracted. Eventually we landed on marriage equality.  She says it’s about procreation but didn’t deny that old people should have a right to marry.  She kept talking about God and what’s natural and right.  She has four kids, only two of them have the same dad, she’s only been married once and the dude she’s with now is not him.  Who is she to say anything about what’s right with God? She’s not divorced…she’s committed adultery with multiple dudes.  I think she should shut her non-Christian face.  Even Kasper shook his head on that one and he was raised in an uptight Christian home. I told her it’s not right to force a church to do ceremonies that go against their holy laws (that was mocking btw) but that shouldn’t have anything to do with the law.  She then went on about wording.  Is that seriously your final defense against marriage equality?  A “different type” of marriage license?  Like what?  One that says GAY marriage license at the top instead of just the regular old “traditional” license?  Should it have a rainbow border?  How ridiculous!  A different license….what would be the point??

   Again, I tried to leave.  I was tired; my head was hurting and I knew this was going to get worse.  There was nothing left to discuss.  You cannot converse with people like her about things you disagree on.   It’s not always about debating and trying to change views but coming to a greater understanding of how that person came to view things so differently and why.  That can be all it takes to find firmer ground in your own beliefs. And sometimes it can help you identify flaws in your own ways of thinking which doesn’t necessarily change your opinion.

  She starts talking about her trip to the grocery store and how she chipped in some change on the tab in front of her and how that provoked a food stamp conversation with that woman.  Stilla apparently has a very strong opinion about this.  She ended with asking why anyone should think the government owes them money for food.  After some back and forth I just had to say, so stupid of me to finally take her bait instead of leaving like I should have moments before when I noticed her clock was two hours ahead (which freaked me out):

I’m going to point out a contradiction in your views

   I should have kept my mouth shut.  Instantly, she shut her mouth.  That should have been my cue to get the fuck out ASAP.  No one shuts Stilla up unless she’s building up steam to scream at you or you just took a bite of the biggest, fattest worm she’s been patiently dangling in front of you for the last hour.

You said a few months ago you hated Obamacare because you now had a new bill you were forced to pay or be penalized for not paying.  You then said the government should provide free healthcare to all because it’s something the people deserve as a right and the government should just give it because doctors take an oath

Okay, I mean, this is what she really said.  Doctors take an oath so they should work for free.  Am I the only one that sees how little depth there is to this woman’s brain? So I then asked her why she should be given free healthcare but not help with food to those who need it.  Her response?

Obamacare expanded more than Medicaid; it expanded food stamps too.

No, you dumbass, it didn’t.  Ok, I’m certainly not an expert but I’ve been on and off food stamps for 8 years now.  I remember how I got on them and according to the various articles (I had to look up where she got this idea) I’ve read on this the same is happening, just on a bigger scale.   She thinks that  raising the FPL requirements for the Medicaid expansion under the PPACA to  133% or whatever, meant raising those same requirements for SNAP benefits.  Hahaha, stop reading opinion pieces and start reading real facts, lady. True, the Medicaid expansion means more people are applying for state/federal benefits which does mean more people are receiving SNAP benefits as well.  This is not because the FPL requirements were also raised for the SNAP program.  When you apply for Medicaid (I applied my first pregnancy) you are either automatically put through the system for SNAP as well because it’s all in the same process, or, like in my case, you’re encouraged to apply for all the programs “just to see.” People who could have received benefits before the exchanges opened and the PPACA was implemented are now receiving those benefits because they applied, not because the requirements changed,

  Her only true argument against food stamps is that she read somewhere the PPACA expanded it (which it did not).  Naturally this went on into the actual Obamacare law/s.  This is where I froze up.  I cannot argue her for a multitude of reasons; the main being that she is too aggressive and loud.  It’s very difficult to talk to her.  Her kids were trying to yell at her to stop and I was yelling just to be heard. You know when you’re a kid and you have that friend that’s like the group bully?  You like them because they’re fun but you don’t argue because they get in your face and ask you questions really loudly and every time you try to answer they either repeat the question over you, ask another one or do one of those huh, huh, huh? things to belittle and demean you?  That’s my sister.  She has opinions and wants to be heard but damn you for having an opinion of your own.  It’s true I have very little experience with Obamacare because I’m disabled (Medicare) and live in Texas where we are exempt from the law because we would otherwise qualify for Medicaid.  But I’m not stupid. I understand there are struggles, there are gaps, there are people this doesn’t work for but that’s why instead of wasting millions of dollars attempting to repeal the law repeatedly, Congress should have been finding those kinks and wrinkles and smoothing them before they became holes and tears  and real issues like we’ve seen.

  I tried to tell her about the unfortunate circumstances of people like Luis Lang when she asked who Obamacare helped and she literally told me, I shit you not:

I don’t believe it.  I don’t believe any of those stories.  I don’t know those people.

  This reminded me of the time she asked me why I disliked Ted Cruz when I told her Sanders had my vote. I asked her where she wanted me to start: the fact he’s a hypocrite, that he’s a fascist or that he’s a bumbling fool that shut down our entire government over a principle he had no chance of winning a battle with?  Her response?  Seriously:  “When was that?” “Um, 2013, when he famously shut down the government to read Sam I Am ironically.” “Oh, I wasn’t paying attention then.”  this was me…flatlining _____________________.

   There is no point to this post.  I just had to get this crap off my chest.  I left her house as politely as I could even though she just kept on yelling.  I told her kids it was nice to see all of them and whatever I could add.  And still, she kept going on saying I was wrong and all this stuff.  I just looked back at her calmly and told her I was done talking to her because it was pointless and embarrassing. By the time I was in the car she sent a text that said she can’t believe I like Obama.  I told her I wasn’t responding to her comment just letting her know I got the message and this is why I don’t talk politics with her.  I have so much more to say and I can’t say it because I have to let it go.  I can’t talk to Kasper because he hates that I’m “obsessed” with politics when I’m not.  I stay somewhat informed.  He thinks it’s all I read.  It’s not.  It’s the only thing I read about that he has a little knowledge of so it comes up a lot when there’s silence between us.

  And for the record, it’s not that I “like” Obama, it’s more that I disagree heavily with those against him.  I don’t agree with Obama every time he speaks and I don’t ignore the things I don’t agree with.  All people like my sister see is that I don’t agree with them and that automatically means I drink Kool Aid I guess.  I really wish people like her would be as willing to hear reasoning behind my views as I am to hear theirs.