Do I Judge Gays?

You bet your ass I do
…but don’t worry it’s not what you think…

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  I’m going to hopefully meet my cousin within the next couple days and I’m so effing nervous.  I met him when I was very little.  I was visiting family (his) but I don’t remember much of anything; I was that young.  I did not stay in contact with dad’s half of my family after he left mom.  For one: I was only 2 and for another mom always made it sound like “we,” as in “her,” were what destroyed his (dad’s) mother’s life. Quick background:

Mom grew up in a white house with a white picket fence with a dad that worked 9-5 and a miserable suburban housewife mother. At 18, mom decided the restrictions blew so she married the first guy that came around.  Turns out Scott, mom’s first husband, only married her to hide his homosexual “tendencies” from his mother who was a retired nurse turned nun after she widowed (or some such complicated story).  Mom was a virgin on her wedding night and for the next year or two.  She reconnected with dad, Scott’s brother and her former classmate, when he came home from the military (dishonorable discharge).  She had an affair, got pregnant and then miscarried when Scott discovered this and kicked her in the stomach, down the stairs. At some point they divorced and mom married dad. Scott came out as gay some time later.  He died of AIDS in the early nineties.

  Mom was never welcomed back into the T_______ tribe.  I wouldn’t find out until after I left the state at 15 that the guy that took all my school photos, the balding guy we made fun of every year was my dad’s youngest brother.  That’s how unwelcome we were. Mom thinks they blame her for Scott being gay but as we all know, no one is to blame because there is no blame to cast. You are the way you are, we are the way we are, they are the way they are.  Lacking understanding doesn’t make something wrong or deserving of blame.

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  When I had my stroke, I met one of my cousins, Sunset.  She came to visit me in rehab twice; very nice woman. She mentioned her brother, I just shrugged off whatever she said because I wasn’t likely to meet him, too.  She said her dad wouldn’t visit because I was in the hospital Scott died in.  I didn’t care, I’m not a fan of meeting new people.  I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

  2012 elections roll around; Shaggy steps in and with a Facebook friend request I’m introduced to my cousin. It’s obvious he’s happy to see he has a family member as into politics as he is and with coinciding views.  I’m happy there’s a family member out there I can actually talk to! We hit it off right away.  We almost met a year or so ago but it didn’t work out.  My anxiety was really bad then so I’m not sure I would have met him in the end anyway.

  I’m anxious to meet him and his husband now but oh my God! I am so nervous! I have a lot of gay friends, mostly lesbians, and I have worked and mingled and whatever “with gays” because, what the fuck, they are people and just like straight people, they are everywhere.  But I’ve never met someone knowing they were gay and for some reason I’m feeling pressure.  It’s so stupid and I’m being so incredibly ignorant and probably…just stupid.

c4f0574e4236853c6fa661379dae1484    I’m worried they’re going to judge my clothes or make-up (lack-thereof), or notice that I don’t do shit to my hair.  It’s just present.  It’s clean but I don’t style it.  I mean, I do this purposely crooked/off-center part but it’s mostly to hide the scar from my surgery. I don’t go out of my way to straighten, flatten or keep my hair still. I cut my own bangs; they aren’t even bangs.  It’s just these locks of hair I cut to keep my forehead from looking so big.  And then I realized as I was looking at my discount-outlet store wardrobe for something that “gays” would approve of that oh my God I’m totally judging my cousin based on his sexuality! This is totally unfair to him!  It’s unfair to me!

Here I am, worried about my hair and clothes and pre-judging my cousin for judging me and Kasper is all:

It’d be awesome if they were like the dudes from Modern Family.

…I can’t even…

giphy

…gays are not entertainment sir…

 I’m really excited to meet them.  I don’t know much about his husband except that he’s really good-looking and super smart.  I obviously won’t be talking to him much.  Shaggy and I are like the lonely wolves in a pack of crazies.  We hold strong opinions about what’s right and wrong.  Example: I’m against mothers that move in with their daughter’s childhood rapist; he’s against parents who disown their kids because they don’t understand something they see as “choice.”  We are both seen as stuck-up outsiders when really, we just have a different sense of what’s right/wrong, appropriate/inappropriate. It’s totally appropriate to love whomever you choose as long as you’re both consenting to that love and the actions that develop from that love.  If you do choose to be with someone who had purposely harmed someone (a/your child, no less), it’s inappropriate to treat the person they harmed as if they are wrong for being hurt by your acceptance of the harm they did.

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