Poetry Project # 18
I cried my eyes to sleep last night.
Shameful lies brought forth into glaring light
make me want to kill my dreams–
to shed the haunt of my silent screams.
It’s been a struggle from the start– everything spins too fast.
I’ve been given bewildering cards and feel that I won’t last.
I’m so lost I’m seeing nothing– only hearing what’s in my head.
I feel as though I’ve lost something and now I feel as though I am dead.
I wish I were like everyone else although their enthusiasm is what I hate.
It’s better than being like myself– always in this depressed state.
I can’t take this, being sad; it makes me wish I wasn’t here.
It’s thoughts like this I’ve always had– why can’t I just disappear?
Before I cried my eyes to sleep I saw what had become of me.
Seeing these things puts me in deep thought of how I’m not meant to be.
And when I awoke in my own bed I realized it wasn’t a dream.
It was a thought running through my head– it was placed inside to make me scream.
December 19, 2000 (age 17)