A to Z Challenge

   I wonder if I have an imagination anymore. Ever since I had Skas I’ve wondered.  Stilla had her first two while in high school so it was easy to play along with them when they were little flesh balls rolling around.  By the time I had Skas I felt the floor was too far down to play with him.  I did it but goodness, it was boring.tumblr_lu7j57tFwG1qjgyuwo1_500

   How did I go from being the kid in the playground everyone went to for ideas of games to being the boring adult telling her kid:

I don’t know what to tell you, go find something to do

every time her son approaches her out of boredom?

   I feel guilty about it until I think of my mom.  She told me the same thing and I always went and found something.  She was too busy chugging soda and chain smoking (or working really hard at her low wage job) to concern herself with my free time in the house.  She damn sure wasn’t going to play with me.  I don’t know how she spent most of her free time but it wasn’t with me.

   I spent a lot of time outside.  I built forts with friends, hiked through the woods and all of the normal stuff (jumprope, basketball, tag, bike riding, etc).  But I was best at the pretend games.  I could run a grocery store like no one else!  I was a damn fine teacher and the best housewife– even when my husband was a girl because there were no boys around. Most boys didn’t mind playing house, by the way; they actually seemed to like it as much as us girls (**important side note** I’m friends with two of the boys through facebook and one is an AMAZING burly house dad in Vermont and the other is a happy step dad to two boys– their sense of masculinity was not destroyed by playing house).

   Around 12 I started moving away from other kids for reasons I’d need a therapist to discuss but it intensified my imagination.  I spent hours alone in my room playing with the one Lego set mom bought me that had lavender, pink, and white bricks.  I hated it but I added Jenga blocks and all of my cars to it and made some pretty awesome crash scenes and stunts.  Every now and then Barbie would come stomping through on her tip toes…

  I started drawing around 13, writing poetry around 15 and short, short stories around 16; short stories came around 19.  I have all that I’ve ever written (except for a few hard drive crashes) and it’s all crap.  The poetry is alright but it doesn’t take much for an angry and confused teen to write her emotions out.

   I’m working on a story.  My brain injury makes it slow going because I have trouble remaining focused but fact is, I’ve been working on it for a while.  I lack the imagination, I think.  The gap between the bullet points are so hard to fill.  It’s difficult to find a path to detour you in a way that keeps the fluidity of the story while also distracting the reader just long enough to keep them from becoming bored with the true path of the plot.  I don’t think you should write out a flat line of a story.  There needs to be bumps and curves.  This  task makes me shift my focus.

   I play with  my kids but I don’t use my imagination like the parent my kid self imagined did.  You just don’t factor in aging when you’re a kid.  You factor in age but it’s the aging process that eats away at the kid inside of you.  It’s terrible and I hate it.  JJ asks me to draw a chalk flower outside and I draw this:  Picture

and I complain it’s not realistic enough.  It’s a chalk doodle! Why can I not have fun with a doodle?!

   I decided to try one of those grown up coloring books.  I got depressed after I finished the only page I did.  It looks fine but the problem is that I didn’t draw it.  I filled in someone else’s lines.  I lack the imagination required to be creative and I cannot tell you how depressing that is.  All I can do is color now.Picture (1)

       But I recently challenged myself to do something creative with use of my imagination because I am still on a journey to find the better parts of my old self before the brain injury and I might as well try to find those pieces lost during painfully insightful spurts of growth in the aging process as well. What the Hell, right?

  After almost a year of debating I started this project last week and am already 2/3 of the way through.  If the finish is as decent as the stage it currently sits in, I will post an update with pics.  Until then, don’t hold your breath!


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