Momma’s Morning Madness

A to Z Challenge

    I’m under stress and I’m unsure why.  I’m still not working but I think my disability assessment went okay (I haven’t heard back– it’s been over a month), my bills are paid (we even recently paid off one of the three maxed out cards from the stroke), and there are no expensive holidays coming up.  I  was stressed about all of the reapplying I had to do for the assistance we’re on but I think I got everything in on time last week and I’m just waiting to hear back how much less we’re going to receive.  Kasper still has his job although he’s been complaining about it a lot.  He hates working in food, working for low wages, and that his boss is as cheap as she is.  I don’t know what to tell him.  I want to be supportive but I’m lost.  All I know is we need to make a plan before we move out of housing.  He’ll really be stuck then.

   Medicare keeps calling me to discuss my plan but I’m going to be honest, it gives me anxiety just thinking about the voicemails in my phone.  I’m afraid I won’t understand what they tell me.  I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong decision and will somehow lose benefits.  I’m afraid I’ll end up paying more for my medications.  All it takes is saying yes or no to the wrong question.

   My doctor is terrible.  He claims he referred me to a neurologist but it’s been a year and though he keeps repeating this to me, I’ve yet to hear or receive anything from anyone. I’m going through a tear filled anxiety “moment” right now as I think of the many phone calls, googling attempts, and bursts of crying I will endure before finally finding “the one.”  I just want a doctor to follow through for once. This guy was supposed to fax a prescription two weeks ago for me to get fitted for a new leg brace (5 years of atrophy really changes the size of your calf) and the ortho has received nothing even though I was sure to get it pre approved.

   So I woke up at 6:30 to use the restroom and I was in the middle of a hot flash (I’m realizing this post should be on my stroke blog but I need to keep up on this blog’s A to Z Challenge).  I’m 32 and have hot flashes.  I was told to expect this because my stroke did affect the hypothalamus…or whatever. Early onset menopause can be a result of stroke, or so I’ve been told, so every time I sweat for no reason, I panic. It’s a gross, sticky sweat and I hate it.

  I tossed for about 45 minutes in bed, dozed off a few minutes; woke up with dull signs of migraine.  As I come out of the restroom, I realize I never heard back from the pharmacy a week ago about my migraine meds which my doctor was supposed to reauthorize a MONTH ago! I have two pills from my reserves left so I decided to take extra strength Tylenol and hope I got it soon enough.

   I woke up an hour later with a sharp needle burying itself into my left eye.  I have chronic acute migraines and this is how they start.  I get one of my precious Sumatriptans and find out the natural way 5 minutes later I am not pregnant.  At this point, why even bother going back to sleep?  I have a migraine, Kasper is about to get up for work and JJ heard me coming back from getting on my sweatpants.

   I go into his room and sit on his bed. He’s only 4; I ask him if he’s dry.  He replies yes so I lay down beside him and he curls up against me.  In the tiniest voice with his little body snuggled against mine he whispers in my ear:

Just my penis is warm

and suddenly all I can smell is rotten apple juice because that’s what little boy piss makes me think of: rotten apple juice.

   As I’m stuffing his bedding into the washer, he’s screaming at Kasper that he can’t get his wet clothes off.  Meanwhile, I have this red hot wire digging deeper into my brain, I can’t even see out of my left eye anymore; it’s not black or white, vision is just no longer present.

  I ever so slowly manage breakfast for the boys with one eye, and my defunct left body stiffening from the stress I am experiencing of my morning. The migraine is in full blown mode. I can barely look at their cereal as I make it.  The smell is disgustingly sweet and the milk is really gross.  People always talk of light being painfully strong during migraines, for me it’s smells.  So now I’m half-blind, walking more like a peg-legged pirate than on my average days, and feel like I have a metal wick burning in my brain.  I’ve been blessed with the reminder I’m a woman and it’s already been 3 hours of my meds not working. To make matters worse, I am still sticky from earlier and don’t like to shower while my kids are eating so I have to wait for JJ to eat his cereal which can take up to 30 minutes.


   So I rolled a joint while I waited for them to eat.  By the time I was done they were too so I took a shower where I was able to begin relaxing. It was a rough morning.  I didn’t think I’d be able to blog today but my combo of meds and sweatpants seems to be holding for now. Still one letter behind though…



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