A to Z Challenge
I’m not sure why I have a temper as quick as I do. It doesn’t take much to piss me off but it does take a lot for me to react because of it. I’ve explained before I have an older, bigger sister that bullied me throughout childhood. I wonder if I’ve somehow managed to learn to hold back what should be reflexive action due to my temper because of her. I don’t think anyone knows how to tempt my temper like she can. Kasper pisses me off, our kids piss me off, and I get upset when I’m trying to engage in polite political discourse online and the other participant refuses the polite part…or to include facts… But Stilla knows how to look at me, which tone to use and exactly how to word things to make my temper flare with little provoking and get a rise out of me.
It’s difficult because I tend to bottle up my frustrations as if by habit. When Kasper says or does something that gives my temper more than a twitch, I give a huff and storm off because I don’t want to fight or argue and I certainly don’t want to say something brutally honest that my tongue will refuse to hold back because my temper demands he hear it. It’s unnecessary. Some truths are so brutally honest they need to be announced when the time is right. I think most people have discovered a truth they didn’t know they thought or felt towards a person until a fight happened. Don’t say it, hold it back until you can reflect upon it; and then present it to whomever needs to hear in a calm and respectful manner. It’s really hard to follow through on this though and that’s why I walk away before it reaches that point.
My kids irritate me to no end. I yell at them, tell them to get out of my face then have to go back after calming down, apologize and explain to them why I yelled. What’s most terrible about this is a lot of times I’m yelling at them for being impatient. Skas is now old enough to bounce back at me things like:
I get it from you
And he’s right. I’m crazy impatient and I’m not sure why. I have plenty of time. Mom has always been regarded as “the Patient One” in her family so I was not raised with the mentality that life is a race and people are not worth keeping that finish line in the distance.
I’ve taken to this rhetoric that I want my kids to learn from me how not to be. I admit to them flaws in my character, I ask them how certain things I do or say makes them feel and when the response is negative, I tell them:
This is why you must be better than me. I’m learning from you how nasty my personality can be and I’m struggling to change for you; I don’t want you to be this age when you learn you have the ability to be a better person and have to start this struggle late in life also. It’s harder the older you get. So learn it now!
It’s probably a terrible lesson but gosh dangit, it is damn honest!
I commented on a post yesterday on Facebook. I’m trying to learn how to word things to be less offensive and when it’s not necessary to comment at all. But this I couldn’t resist. It was semi political. I don’t want to post the meme because it’ll show as featured image and last time that got me a few Twitter trolls (ugh, read the link, right?). So Lanza, Loughner, and Holmes are on top with Hillary and Huma below them with the text something like, “Still think it’s a gun problem?” So I commented:
Is it a big eyed problem?
Because literally everyone in the photo had their eyes freakily wide open with some really creepy smiles on their faces. I thought it was funny. Some dick had to say it’s a “liberal, left wing issue.” Most people know how to use Google…except this guy apparently. We go back and forth over it and finally I unfollowed the thread. The guy is dumb and I felt dumb for letting him bait me like that. I had SO much to say to him too! And he just kept twisting whatever I wrote which made no sense because he was actually agreeing with what I said but he somehow didn’t realize this is what was happening. It was really bizarre. I’m not sure what type of tactic this is[?].
I try my best to take the high road in situations like this because I know my temper was about to force me out of my mind and take full control. The only way for this to end is with brutal yet pointless honesty and I really don’t like telling people they’re stupid idiot poopy pants cry babies….it’s just not very mature.
I’m not sure if it’s wise to rein in my temper right before it explodes like that but I feel it’s better than actually exploding. It’s better to walk away than to fight when nothing good could possibly result from it. But then I start thinking about all of the things I didn’t say and the things I let slip by “unnoticed” and I become more upset than I originally was. I’m sure that’s not good either.