Secrets Makes You Cold and Bitter

Poetry Project #39

Where the Cold Resides


against my back—

it breaks.


my body–

it begins to shake.

I hold myself–

need to keep warm.


over my body they swarm.

I close round–

form some heat.

This emptiness–

it must be beat.

Neck hairs stand–

protect the skin.

Nipples erect–

cold from within.

Skin turns pale–

has a purple hint.

Color’s gone–

I’ve lost my tint.

Lips turn blue–

teeth chatter.

Inside my body–

icebergs, they gather.

Picture heat–

warm places.

Picture beaches–

smiling faces.

This iciness disturbs my vision
In my head it makes an incision
Cutting away what lies inside
Releasing what was there to hide
Awakening them to bring them out
Make me see them– I live in doubt
When I see the sights– my body shivers
I try to speak but my mouth quivers.

I must defeat what brings the cold
Release the secrets that I hold
So I can feel it warming inside
To melt the ice in my heart–
—    where it resides

May 2, 2001 (Age: 17)


I have to add in a little footnote here.  This poem was written 10 years to the day before I underwent brain surgery to “cut away what lies inside” and to release “what was there to hide.”  As a result, I no longer “live in doubt.”  This poem is about a secret I lived with as a child and the struggle it took to fight the bitterness that secret tried to build within in me as a teen.  I didn’t know that there was something in my head that I would literally need cut out and I didn’t know that once that “thing” was removed I would discover more secrets I buried along with the others.

Life is one twist after another and when we are old enough to look back and reflect, we find signs that those twists were in the distance all along.


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