I’m tempted to leave my husband. He’s a good guy and I’m about positive I’ll never find another one as “good” as him but still, I don’t think we’re going to last much longer. We have two kids, I have a physical disability that seriously limits me in every way, and I have zero family and support in this state without him and his family. I’d be completely alone. With no transportation. I’d have little to no money. I’d have the same debt and bills. The only good thing that would go my way if I did leave him, or kick him out, is that I already live in housing. I wouldn’t have to move, struggle to find a cheaper place, or figure any of that stuff out but I’d still be hurting in a lot of ways. Like…I’d rarely leave the house. I’d have to take a cab to do grocery shopping or go anywhere. Or, I could take the bus for disabled people. My anxiety tells me no, however. We’ll have to see about that. Whatever the case, there would obviously be a lot of sacrifices made on my part.
I told Kasper we should separate for a little while. “You disgust and disappoint me.” That’s what I told him. There’s a story there but one I’m not ready to share presently. Don’t think I’m being a spoiled cunt because I’m not; if anything, I’m doing him a huge favor by saying so little. As he pointed out, people like us don’t have the luxury of a separation. Where would he go? His douche bag brother already has a mobile home parked in their mother’s front yard. What trash. With what money would he pay for time “away?” A separation would be an investment for us and if that’s the case, why not just end it? I want to end it. I’m not even sad saying that. That should be a huge indication of my feelings for him. It could also be the Zoloft; ever since I started taking it my “sadness” stopped coming with tears and rage. It’s all very strange. It’s like the physical reaction that comes with my emotions have been silenced but the negative emotions and thoughts are still there. I can’t explain it.
My family is over a thousand miles away, is 2 thousand miles? I don’t even remember the numbers. Last I knew, mom still lived with my childhood rapist but I haven’t asked if that’s still true. I’m afraid to find out it is. I’d be upset about it all over again, I definitely don’t want that. My grandpa died last year, my grandma is losing her mind but she still has their house. Kasper is going to pay off my largest credit card debt with his income tax since it’s basically his bill. I’m tempted to use that card to buy a plane ticket to visit mom. If Krank Ficken does live with her, I’ll ask to stay in my grandma’s empty house where my grandpa died– even if that means staying in that large house alone….the house that’s given me nightmares since childhood. That’s how badly I need my space from Kasper.
It all feels so stupid though. Typing it out like this is the first time I’ve admitted I want to do this. I just keep thinking about it but I think it’s more than temptation. It’s such a huge decision. I don’t know what could result from a separation. Maybe I’d come back and want us all together. Maybe I’d come back and tell him to pack. Is it selfish of me to want to try it out? Probably, but at some point I have to put my happiness in the forefront. I’m miserable, completely miserable. He is too. I want him happy, too. For ten years he’s been telling me how miserable I make him, we’ve been together 11 years.
I can’t make him smile or laugh. He yells a lot at me and the kids. It’s embarrassing. We’re always apologizing for existing. I try to put the kids in a good mood by singing, dancing in what little ways I can, making jokes and being silly, and Kasper just seems frustrated and irritated by it all. Like, if he’s not happy, it’s wrong for anyone else to smile. It’s always so very serious with him and I just don’t know how much longer I can take it.
I guess….I don’t know. I’m having one of those, “Who am I, again?” moments and it’s driving me crazy. Except…this moment has been going on and on; I don’t think it’s just a moment. I think it’s a need. I need to get away. I need to get away. I am tempted every day to tell him what I want to do. I think doing it before summer is best. He wouldn’t have to worry about babysitters because the kids will be in school while he’s at work. How long would I be gone? I have no idea! They just doubled my credit limit on my largest card so I have a little leg room if I’m really willing to invest in it and I think I am. I don’t know if Kasper is that kind of patient. I don’t think he is. I don’t know. I don’t want this. I don’t want him. This is making me so much more miserable. My poor kids.