No Apologies

“It’s weird being an adult.”
“I’m not fond of it.”
“Mmmm…me either.”

     When you’re an individual with a habit of saying you’re sorry for things that deserve no apology, it’s more than a figurative battle of the tongue not to say it when you really, really want to.

    It took me a little while but I finally told Kasper I need a trial separation.  Despite our finances, it’s not a luxury and it’s something we deserve if we truly love each other in any capacity and want happiness for each other.  This is such a big deal for me and he can’t seem to grasp that concept.  I’ve never lived alone, especially not since acquiring my disability…or two kids; and, within a few months, I may very well be a disabled, single mother of two boys living in housing.  I’m freaking out…but I’m going to follow through.  My anxiety is so high right now and has been for weeks.  I think the Zoloft is helping because I’m really confused about why I’m not crying or scrambling for another solution.  Unless this is something I really need– want?

     I’m so confused and torn and heartbroken.  He tried to say I was going on a Betty Draper mission to prove myself a strong woman, then tried to tell me I’m capable of anything because I’m resourceful and will be fine as a single mom.  What the fuck is going on here?  Betty Draper got divorced and remarried in like, the same episode (not really), that’s not strength; that’s a woman who found another man and needed a divorce from a cheating, egotistical prick so she could maintain a clean conscience.  Our situation is different.

     I think Kasper has been too weak and afraid to tell me he wants out.  I’ve been too afraid to hurt him and also afraid to find him happier without me.  I want him happy but…before me?  It’s petty, I’m acutely aware of this, but I want him miserable until I’m content without him….douchebag.  It was like the second I told him I was leaving the state to give us space, he was ready to find an apartment and move out because

What’s the point?  I know the inevitable, why fight it?

     And there’s been the biggest part of the problem.  He doesn’t fight.  He doesn’t fight for me, never has…except once.  The first time I tried to break up with him, he talked to me about why and blah, blah, blah.  Now we’re 11 years, 2 kids, and thousands in debt later…still unhappy.  I told him he’s unfair.  I always have to be the adult.  He’s forcing me to make this decision and it’s not right.  It’d be different if I was the only one unhappy but I’m not.  He refuses to make any big decisions.  He refuses to acknowledge that our issues are deeper than they appear.  He’s so…full of pity.  It’s pathetic.  I can’t take it anymore.  What’s his deal?  I have no idea.

     I read this article once about a woman who wanted a divorce.  She talked about how their relationship was so terribly stagnant that she just couldn’t take it anymore. Yet, they had sex like 3 or 4 times a week.  How is that possible?  I’d rather masturbate than touch Kasper right now (which is how I’m surviving).  And I actually tried to get past it.  It’s a very bizarre experience for me.  It’s like….

there’s a glass wall between us and there’s a constant gush of water flowing throughout  my side.  It moves towards him but hits the wall instead and I feel dead inside. I’m holding up that glass wall.  I won’t allow myself to touch him.  I feel like it would be washing him of his portion of our problems with a forgiveness he doesn’t deserve.  I can’t do that to myself.

     As I told Kasper everything and we talked it through, I kept wanting to apologize, but I refused to do it.  I can’t apologize for my feelings even if it hurts him because not acknowledging them hurts more than the both of us– it hurts our kids too.  I told myself, and him, a long time ago that I would never be one of those parents that stays in an unhappy, tense marriage “for the sake of the kids.”  They learn nothing from that; no one benefits. Every time an apology wanted to come out, I had to clamp my jaw and keep my thoughts focused on the words of our discussion rather than what I didn’t want to say because I really didn’t want to say it.  It’s not my place to apologize.  This is all a result of him and his actions/inactions.  I should not have to apologize for that, or him.

     So I’m leaving the state and going to New England for a week, possibly two.  We’re telling the kids and everyone else that I’m going to visit my grandma because I lost my grandpa without seeing him “one last time” and I can’t do that with my grandma, too.  I need to see mom.  It’s been 5 years and we have lots to discuss. I want to visit my hometown because it’s been so long.  I don’t want to bring the boys because I don’t know the true state of grandma’s mental health and I don’t know how I or anyone will react.  These things are all very true so I’m not lying to anyone.  We’re just leaving out the part where we are separating briefly for a chance to see if we’ll miss each other.  Is there still emotions between us?  Is there still something to miss?

    I have a feeling I’ll be coming home and he’ll be moving out.  I think he’s already made that decision but is still waiting for me to be the one to actually make it happen.  He’s not strong enough to make that final call, only strong enough to accept it, I think.  I have to be strong here and I’m really hoping I can do it.  I’m already jealous and that bothers me.  He’ll have freedom and I’ll be bogged down with burden on top of burden and that’s…that’s what brings tears to my eyes.  Yeah, I’m afraid once it’s over I’ll regret it, think it was the wrong decision, but it’s that new freedom he’ll have while I’m waiting for cement to dry around my steel bars that really gets to me.  I can’t even…I can’t even bring myself to type out the  reasons for this jealousy.  You know how women say, “he became a better man after (or because of) me” well, in this case, it will be true.  He won’t be better because of me, per se, but he’s become a better guy during our relationship.  He’s really grown up and that’s great for him but I am aware that this new, grown version of him, it’s not meant for me.  I don’t know why I’m jealous when I’m aware of this.  I guess because I know that once he’s settled into his life without me, I’ll have to see what others get that I was denied.

      My head is so confused and my heart is just a big knot.  This is so incredibly unfair.  I made a terrible decision 11 years ago…

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